@chloethesiren

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

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@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@FeelingEuphoric

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

@therealeatwood

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@notmythirdrodeo

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@ClichedOut

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

@kacisuewho

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here