Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
ME: Store credit, then?
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?
[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here