ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!


ME: Store credit, then?

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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.


“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair


ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]


*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage


me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now


[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here