Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
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oh you wanna fight?!
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose