Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Order here:
More here:

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac