Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Rare photo of two submarines racing

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car