Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Cardio Made Easy
I only treason on days ending in y
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first