Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.