ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
good work, everybody
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips