Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.