ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
this is literally a CIA plant
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”