Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

more water

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

Creepy-crawlies

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.