Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.