Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

they should create new variants of dopamine

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*