Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!