Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
This story is comedy gold 😂
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.