Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.