me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
