Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’