me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
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A drum solo but on your face.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.