me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
🙂🙃🥹
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
