Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

this is literally a CIA plant

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.