me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms![]()
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:![]()
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”