Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Multitask? I can barely unitask
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
This anagram machine is out of order.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.