Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
🤣😂
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”