Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.