Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*