Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.