me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Message from the dog groomers
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)