Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

is this meant to deter me