Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.