Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
The 6 types of sex
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole