Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension