Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.