Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

I’m just playing devils avocado here

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.