Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

We don’t deserve birds.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.