Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?