me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Message from the dog groomers
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
worst…sale…ever
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you