@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

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@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@Xalqee

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

@FilthyRichmond

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

@robwhisman

teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever

@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

@Contwixt

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

@KateWhineHall

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.