Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Black Super Mario
*Jumps on mushroom*
*Throws fireball at turtle*
*Slides down sewer pipe*
*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.