@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

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@Jamie1947

Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?

@AllanForsyth

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

@Bob_Janke

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

@TheDailySchmuck

Black Super Mario

*Jumps on mushroom*

*Throws fireball at turtle*

*Slides down sewer pipe*

*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*

@AndrewNadeau0

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

@squirrel74wkgn

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

@13spencer

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

@realHamOnWry

Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.