me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
it must be school picture day
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now