Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

No one can handle that

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Strange

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…