Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien