Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

This is why I hate group projects

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Had a spot of bother earlier.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?