Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks