Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

u spoke cat all this time??????

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

🤣could you imagine

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.