Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.