Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Cold.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy