Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Said the murderer.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Guantanamo Bae

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk