Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Broom by every window for quick escape.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.