Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now