Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goldfish mafia

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

good let them take over I have had enough

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails