Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

The first one, obviously

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

why am I working on Labor Day

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.