Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
