Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
