Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
