Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
#dnd #ttrpg
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up