Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then