Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

ㅤ

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Are you a cat person or a person person?

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

grandparents are too precious for this world

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

My last name is Zilla.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.