Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

is this a threat

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

This hospital has everything

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.