Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.