Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.