Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

that colleague who touches your screen

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.