Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

damn he’s good

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person