me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible