Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Me when I try to be useful

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?