Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

The pasta is now

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?