Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.