me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock