Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Wikigenius

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.