Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.