Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Found the job I’m suited for
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.