Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂