Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.